I have an amazing internship that’s the only reason why I have myself not in a complete mess. Interacting with a different variety of adults is exciting, minus my own issues.
Hope to get into engineering. Yeah. Business wouldn’t be mentally satisfying enough, I feel. Not sure.
The last time I cut myself was probably November- yes right before my Econs paper. (I got a B, 良かった)
I am not mentally fine and feel extremely lonely and isolated but I am keeping myself together. I don’t know why but I crave visible bones and seeming skinny and small. My old photos are triggering haha and I don’t know, I was fasting two weeks ago to feel less lonely (J and I fought and I thought that was it and well felt distant with N too) I was also sick of having uncontrollable urges to break down and having to break down in cubicles silently vibrating and sobbing and getting a cold after that. I don’t know.
So this period is terrible being lower in iron than usual and having no abs (covered in fats) so I feel way more exhausted and my painkiller didn’t even work! くそう。
Talked to N and told her that I just wanted to feel like she understood me and believed in me and understand my feelings and pain which I myself avoid (strange and highly demanding of me, I know I’m awful)
I have to deal with everything alone and just drown alone, even though the idea of doing it alone only aggravates the issue.
N said I should go to church, haha. I should give it a shot.
At least I know that I would not like to die (even though I sometimes force myself to feel like I have to and then completely kaboom) and I would not like to harm myself with visible cuts.
I had a beer two wednesdays ago and a glass of red wine the week before, I wonder if I’ll drink tomorrow? (no) Drinking makes me feel sleepy. Mum said it was intoxication but beh it feels nice for a while. I sleep well those nights and feel drunk for the next entire day, feeling happy and all.
I hope my painkiller works tomorrow.
I secretly do hope N talks to me HAHAHAHAHA but I don’t know, it’s wrong to analyse normal interactions and expect things as it ruins the normal way things flow.
My life is sheltered and yet I imagine the worst all the time and feel terrified. I’m pathetic.
I’m glad N is my best friend.
And I’m glad that the people at work are all generally friendly.
Ciao for now, let’s see how things go.
Dad said I could visit Japan twice a year but well, I definitely won’t be able to till my internship’s over.
No holiday till July. Haha.
Work’s fun, I don’t mind. I’m amused.
Really need to mail J.
絶望ヒーロー 