Lynne (Translyrics)

JubyPhonics

Stumbling about his words a blackened goat said
“Stand on the line, don’t get left behind”
“Train is running on without you again”

Rubbing up next to me a clawing cat said
“Where ya gonna go, do you really know?”
“Hey before you know it, you may end up dead”

My wrists are rubbing red from holding too tight
I alone, walk my own way down this never ending path
Drown down the rain I drink up every bit
Onto the next stop…

Can you just please just please love me?
There’s no train to take me home, please don’t leave me on my own
Can you tell me darling darling hey darling?
Did you just let out a sigh or have I now lost my mind?

Tearing out the words a flower dying had said
“Can’t feel a thing. Can’t feel a thing.”
“Beating in a heart are tired…

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Relapsed last night because I felt myself going insane and I desperately needed to bleed.

The only functioning blade I have was pathetic though, so I could barely go deep enough.

So the skin on my wrist’s ugly again.

I think I may be anemic, I didn’t bleed all that much and I barely covered a fifth of fp’s cloth- but I’ll just wash it and try again some time.

 

I’m not going to school for this sem at least.

 

There’s just one thing…..that I realized……that just hit me.

 

They weren’t there for me when I needed them the most.

Nobody was there for me.

 

 

Well I’m not blaming them, they were overwhelmed and in a bad place and I just made them feel worse, so I shouldn’t be angry about it.

 

But oh boy, oh boy, did things go downhill from that day on.

 

Ah, whatever.

I have bruises on my neck because he kissed me so aggressively last night hahaha

It felt really good though, but I was on my period so…..I couldn’t really enjoy myself much. It was weird too, because idk I feel too ugly.

I was also sleepy for the whole day (and I fell asleep in his bed while cuddling orz) idk

 

…..sigh, whatever.

 

Friday’s the day, but I want to leave by Friday.

 

I’ll see how I’ll do it.

why the fuck am i taking prozac when I’m not in depression

 

why won’t I just die hahahaha

 

hahahahahaha

 

 

It would be lovely to entirely soak the cloth they handed me in my own blood, wouldn’t it?

another life update

so, hello people.

it’s been a while, huh.

(warning, v long and not pleasant)

..

i feel better after talking to them, a little

Life Update

I have an amazing internship that’s the only reason why I have myself not in a complete mess. Interacting with a different variety of adults is exciting, minus my own issues.

Hope to get into engineering. Yeah. Business wouldn’t be mentally satisfying enough, I feel. Not sure.

The last time I cut myself was probably November- yes right before my Econs paper. (I got a B, 良かった)

I am not mentally fine and feel extremely lonely and isolated but I am keeping myself together. I don’t know why but I crave visible bones and seeming skinny and small. My old photos are triggering haha and I don’t know, I was fasting two weeks ago to feel less lonely (J and I fought and I thought that was it and well felt distant with N too) I was also sick of having uncontrollable urges to break down and having to break down in cubicles silently vibrating and sobbing and getting a cold after that. I don’t know.

So this period is terrible being lower in iron than usual and having no abs (covered in fats) so I feel way more exhausted and my painkiller didn’t even work! くそう。

Talked to N and told her that I just wanted to feel like she understood me and believed in me and understand my feelings and pain which I myself avoid (strange and highly demanding of me, I know I’m awful)

 

I have to deal with everything alone and just drown alone, even though the idea of doing it alone only aggravates the issue.

 

N said I should go to church, haha. I should give it a shot.

 

At least I know that I would not like to die (even though I sometimes force myself to feel like I have to and then completely kaboom) and I would not like to harm myself with visible cuts.

 

I had a beer two wednesdays ago and a glass of red wine the week before, I wonder if I’ll drink tomorrow? (no) Drinking makes me feel sleepy. Mum said it was intoxication but beh it feels nice for a while. I sleep well those nights and feel drunk for the next entire day, feeling happy and all.

 

I hope my painkiller works tomorrow.

 

I secretly do hope N talks to me HAHAHAHAHA but I don’t know, it’s wrong to analyse normal interactions and expect things as it ruins the normal way things flow.

My life is sheltered and yet I imagine the worst all the time and feel terrified. I’m pathetic.

 

I’m glad N is my best friend.

 

And I’m glad that the people at work are all generally friendly.

 

Ciao for now, let’s see how things go.

 

Dad said I could visit Japan twice a year but well, I definitely won’t be able to till my internship’s over.

 

No holiday till July. Haha.

 

Work’s fun, I don’t mind. I’m amused.

Really need to mail J.

 

On Pain #01- Journalists

berlyns

Poets are only journalists lost in translation. You say that I’m being mawkish, sentimental

Too sensitive, soft, weak.  But it is the truth and only the truth that I’m in pain.

It is fact- I am trying to tell you what I know of myself and what I don’t.

There is a feeling in my chest like my vomit is reaching itself up my

Throat- Clutch at straws and I can’t see or breathe or speak

I’m sorry, I’m screaming, I don’t know what else to do.
It is the truth and only the truth that I’m in pain.

I’m not writing because the truth is beautiful

But this is the only way I can get the fact

Across, succinctly, in good lights,

Without cheap cigarettes

Without tears

Safely.

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